Feeling stuck, in limbo, not sure how to proceed. A couple of important things in my life (a hobby and nursing school) are pulling me, both demanding energy and attention. I enjoy my hobby and nursing school, but I am not sure that I can juggle both anymore. I feel torn...stuck. A quote keeps repeating in my mind, "A person who chases two rabbits, catches neither." (by Confucius, I think?) Am I chasing two "rabbits"? Is it time to let go of one? What did I originally want from my hobby that has taken so much of my time and energy to create and cultivate? I wanted to see if I could turn this hobby into a small, profitable business. Until now, I haven't been able to figure out how to turn it into a small income. I recently had a good idea for possibly creating some income from my hobby. But now I am asking myself, how much money could I actually make with it? And how much effort would it take to make it?
I'm already on the path to nursing, 1st year of nursing school completed. This path is a good fit for me. And it leads to a good income. So what is stopping me from pouring myself into this? Am I afraid I will finish school and be bored with my work? Am I afraid that I won't be very good at it? What is stopping me from pouring all my energy into this path that leads to a solid future? Why am I drawn to the difficult path of trying to turn a hobby into a profitable business, with no guarantee of success, when I could just follow the nursing path with all my heart?
Is it possible I have been splitting my focus and not devoting all my energy to one pursuit because I am afraid of failure? And if I fail, then I can blame it on "having so much going on"? Maybe there is some fear in "carrying all my eggs in one basket."
Maybe I've been trying to be more so that I feel like more. It may be my insecurities are driving me to try to make my hobby successful because then maybe I will feel "special". There's that reoccurring theme in my life again- I feel like I need to do more than everyone else, not to be better than them, but just to be as good as them...Why do I feel like I have to take the hard path and try to create something out of nothing when I could take the path that is clearly laid out before me? Nursing is a good fit for me. So far it has been somewhat of an easy path for me. Why can't I just be grateful that it has come easily to me instead of trying to make my life more difficult? Life doesn't always have to be rocky paths, it can be smooth at times too. I know this in my head, so why I do live like I don't?
Is it time to put all my energy into chasing one "rabbit"? Is it time to realize that I am good enough just as I am? Just being me is enough. I need to finally learn that, believe that.
I realize that it does not have to be all or nothing, but keeping this particular hobby going does pull my attention and energy away from nursing school. What would it mean to give up this hobby? And devote all my energy to nursing school? Maybe I could finally read my nursing journals that come in the mail but I never seem to find the time to get around to reading. Or I could finally practice the NCLEX questions as I should be doing to prepare for the license exam after graduation. Or I could actually study like I should. What is causing me to "half-ass" it in school? I feel like I've never fully committed to making my hobby a business or to nursing school. I've told myself for the last two years that it was possible to do both and that doing both would give me some balance in my life. But I am starting to see that I don't have the balance I was hoping for. Instead I am sporadically spending energy on one or the other from time to time, resulting in me feeling torn between the two and feeling like I am not doing either as well as I could be.
Of course the one "rabbit" that I am chasing, nursing school, is not a chase that I am willing to give up. There is no doubt about that. The question is whether to give up this hobby or not. I think it's time for a pros vs. cons list...