Something is happening. I have been talking with a therapist for almost 3 months and in those 3 months, I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of work too. And suddenly it seems like the pieces are beginning to come together. I am feeling hopefully again. I have realize that my struggles don't discredit me. It isn't either/or; it can be both. I can battle disordered eating and still be knowledgable about health, nutrition and wellness. My struggles do not discredit my knowledge. And having realized that, I am beginning to feel like I have some power again. I can still be a positive influence in other people's lives. I have such a deep desire to help people be healthy, particularly through their eating. But because of my own disordered eating, I felt like I had lost my voice, like I was a hypocrite to guide others to eat healthy when I struggle with eating. I have been working at changing the way I think about food and I am starting to catch my distorted thinking more often. And every time that I catch a distorted thought and replace it with a fact, the power of the disorder lessens and my own power grows.
I feel my confidence starting to come back too. I hadn't realized how insecure I had become. I now realize that I have lost a lot of confidence. That makes sense because how can I feel secure about myself and confident when I am consumed with what others think about what I say or do? I even had an incident last week when someone said something to me that, in the past would have knocked my confidence even more and had me doubting myself. But instead I was able to look at what was said, evaluate it against what I know to be true about myself and come to the conclusion that what the comment was absurd because I knew it was not true. I am beginning to accept what I know about myself to be true and not contingent on what others think about me. And there is power in knowing one's self! Other people's little comments don't have as much of an effect when you know yourself. I want to work on developing this more but how wonderful it will be when I reach the point where I can take what someone says and evaluate it as truth or not. And if their comment is not true about me, then being able to let it go instead of letting it eating at me and tear me down. That will be a wonderful place to be! Definitely a goal worth working toward.
Another thing that is coming together is that I am beginning to think more with my logical mind and not as much with my emotional mind. Ideal, both ways of thinking should work together but I had been thinking so much with my emotional mind that whatever I was feeling, I was equating to be true, even when it was not. Just because "I feel..." something, that does not necessarily make it true. It is so important to know that distinction and I am seeing that now.
I also had another small victory when I was looking at a magazine in a waiting room yesterday. I was flipping through a magazine that was about balancing mind and body when I came across an ad for some kind of weight loss powder. And on the full-page ad was included an unhealthy "eating" plan to follow with this powder to achieve weight-loss. The first week included drinking a certain number of tablespoons of this powder dissolved in liquid and "as much vegetable broth as you want." In the past, I would have continued reading because I read everything I came across about losing weight. Even when I knew what I was reading would lead to no good, I felt like I couldn't stop from reading it. But yesterday when I got through that first line, told myself that was not a healthy way to fuel the body and closed the magazine and picked up another one to read instead. I could have just turned the page and kept looking at the magazine but I felt like the magazine no longer deserved my attention if they would allow an ad like that in their magazine. To them, the ad revenue was more important than their readers leading a balanced life, as they claimed they were about. It was an empowering moment. I was taking control of the messages that I was allowing to influence my thinking. And that felt really good.
Yes, something is definitely happening. :)