So, today started off with a continuation of yesterday's funk. I felt bored, listless, aimless and depressed. I had a hard evening at work on Monday night that sent me into this funk on Tuesday. Now here it is Wednesday and I still couldn't shake it. I really do love my job but I was having one of those days where you question if this is really what you want to do for the rest of your life, or even for the rest of the week!
My frustration with my job stemmed mostly out of the bureaucracy and politics of the field I work in. I'm just not sure where I belong in this field. I am actually quite good at my job but I don't know if I will be able to do this particular job for too long. I think this current role in my career field will harden me, make me cynical, and eventually make me give up my high standards and ideals. And when that happens, I will be burned out. I do not want to reach that point. There are already too many burned out and cynical professionals in my field. I want to hang on to my ideals and high standards.
It is difficult though when everyone around you is sliding by, cutting corners and looked up to as a thing to achieve because they seem to be so efficient at their job. I can't do that though. I tried a few times and it felt shitty cutting corners. Unfortunately, the paperwork will always be a huge chunk of our job, but the people are why we are truly there. The people are what matter. I won't attempted to do my job "like everyone else" again. I have to do it in a way that I can be proud of at the end of the day. It's not just getting the job done that matters, it's how you do it that really counts.
I am glad for the 2 days off to process through this and to come to terms with the situation. However, I have realized that when I have a day off I don't quite know what to do with myself. I need to have a certain amount of relaxing and recharging on my days off since my job is so physically and mentally draining. But outside of that, I feel a little lost. I think I'm experiencing a little bit of role confusion. This is my first experience of being a working mom, and a full time working mom at that. It is a struggle somedays to know how best to juggle what I need to in terms of work, family and myself. I don't have clear boundaries and I think that is what is causing some of my problems with juggling it all.
However, I realized today that no matter how much I need to take time to rest and relax, inactivity can perpetuate a mood funk. Finally after feeling so blah yesterday and half of today, I decided that I needed to do something! So I headed out for a long walk. That activity was just want I needed to help clear my mood some. I felt well enough when I returned to do some cardio exercises and to make a healthy, balanced lunch for myself. That was when I realized that I need to have a hobby that I can do during times of relaxation. And I thought of my writing. I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams related to writing but I will never achieve any of them if I keep waiting for the "perfect" time to sit and write. There will always be some excuse to prevent me from writing. I know that the only reason I have been procrastinating with writing and working on my writing goals is the fear of failure. If I never start, then I can't fail, right? Wrong. If I never start, I will never achieve my goals. Perhaps I will fail and never achieve my goals either. But at least I will have tried and that is far better than not trying at all.
And now, as it always is for me, I feel so much better after writing and get that all off my chest. My therapy session for the day...ahh... :)
(From October 15, 2014.)